I questioned everything—from academic choices, toothpaste choices, work choices, love choices, underwear choices, spiritual choices, to breakfast choices—except my own grief and sorrow. I mentally repeated dialogues, circumstances, events, and words, as if by repeating them over and over I would miraculously be able to change the natural course of events.
The truth can be painful to digest sometimes. There is no Pepto-Bismol for the heart— only time, the Ayurvedic cure.
My everyday life and responsibilities kept me going. My two cats greeting me every night by the door, waiting to be fed, kept me real. Taking myself to the movies on Friday nights became the highlight of my week.
To my surprise, not many family members or friends were around. I was fine with the way things were. I was okay with not being okay. And still, with all that going on in my head and my heart, I sensed, perhaps for the first time, that something different was holding me up. A foundation was there. A structure. A pillar.
I got to look myself in the eye day and night and get to know my own company again.
I knew that I was in pain, but I also I knew that I could work with it.
I made more of an effort to expand my points of view.
I made more of an effort to be patient with myself.
I made more of an effort to see God in everything that I didn’t understand.
I prayed for better times ahead.
I knew I was going to be all right.
Sometimes you don’t have to understand things or circumstances but accept them unconditionally and wholeheartedly. That’s as deep as it gets.
By June, the high tide was receding. Longer, deeper, and fuller breaths were emerging.
A restored sense of self was blossoming. There was hope for me. The world was forgiven, and pure joy was emerging from deep within me with no real explanation.
A more mature me showed up at my doorstep and remained. A sincere desire to love and to be loved unconditionally was firmly planted in my soul.
Looking back, everything seemed to lead me gracefully to that warm night in June, when the N train pulled into the station and I was overtaken by this overwhelming and inexplicable certainty that I, at that particular moment and in that particular subway car, was going to meet someone who would change my life forever.
And I did.
Strange things happen. Amazing, unbelievable things happen.
This year, I almost lost hope in myself. This year, I lost and found myself. This year has been quite a ride. Everything is interconnected and interdependent. Everything happens at the right time and for the right reason. There is a little sweet and sour in all our experiences.
May you find what tickles your heart.
May you be happy and radiant.
May all your dreams come alive with this New Year.
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