Other than the usual morning laziness, I noticed that I was speaking a little slower — paying more attention to my words, being more specific about the feeling of the postures and breath. I felt relaxed and energized at the same time.
And to be honest with you...I struggled. Although I've been meditating, off and on, for years, retreat is always challenging. To sit still and turn within for so many consecutive days...to make the commitment to do it without excuses...to choose not to be on Facebook, not to reply to emails, not even to escape into my own yoga practice...to just meditate! I could see and feel my own resistance erupting everywhere.
Many times, I caught myself trying too hard. It was when I relaxed that I enjoyed it the most.
On the first day of retreat it seemed impossible to unplug from that continuous wave of thoughts and emotional turbulence that is everyday life. But with perseverance and patience I did experience a few moments of silence. It was nourishing to witness the silence between my thoughts, to rest my attention on the breath without any other occupation. Simplicity.
As the days went by and my practice became more consistent, I found it took less effort to get to my quiet place. What a feeling of contentment! I found myself wondering why it took me so long to get around to doing this essential act of self-care.
Although I spend my days teaching and doing yoga, meditating, and searching actively for ways of improving my life — which are all fine and noble things to do — nothing compares to the simple act of siting your ass down and stopping all the "doing." To just be....ahhhh.
Not that it's always a smooth ride. Deconstructing our patterns, seeing our monkey mind, coming face-to-face with our fears, it's not easy work. Maybe that's why so few people are doing it.
Meditation isn't just about rainbows and unicorns and bliss. It's not even exclusively about qualities like mindfulness and equanimity, although these are important qualities to cultivate for greater well-being. True meditation goes deeper than that. It cuts through layers of conditioning and reaches ultimately to your soul, your core, your essence. It creates more space around your identity so you can start to see what really defines you and what doesn't.
One thing emerged for me very clearly from this retreat: I need to incorporate more and more meditation into my life. I've known this all along, of course, but retreat whacks you over the head with it. Meditation shows me the way. It really makes a difference in my teaching and my interactions with other people — even in my relationship with myself.
Is meditation a regular part of your life? If not, what are you waiting for?
Adrian Molina is a yoga teacher, writer and meditation practitioner living in New York City. He developed the Warrior Flow style of yoga and teaches at Equinox fitness centers, in private sessions, and at retreats. He shares inspiration and teachings frequently on his web site Warrior Flow, his Facebook page, and his Twitter feed.
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